No soul mates at my Costco

Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000
From: Bill Yontz <bill_yontz_at_countrywide.com>
Subject: Costco

Hello and thank you for putting up your fine website.
(http://www.thespoon.com/costco/) Wow, your store is really
big! The Costco near my house is nowhere near as big... it's
not even a FEW square miles.  They don't have soul mates at
my Costco, but there's a checkout babe that I want and to whom
I've been sending telepathic communications. She's really cute,
notwithstanding her racial handicap. You see she's an Inuit,
which means she has really small hands and feet. I know
that's a turnoff to some guys and she certainly will never
win any swimming contests, but I bet she would be a very low
maintenance girlfriend! To be honest, as long as she can work
the cash register she really doesn't need long fingers, so I
commend the folks at Costco for giving her a chance. After all,
we humans all need to feel useful and productive in society,
and Eskimos are NO EXCEPTION. I wonder if I could ever learn
to do that clicking sound with my mouth that she does when
she speaks her native tongue? If not, her family may shun
me. Dating is scary enough without cultural and linguistic
barriers, don't you think? I think that's why your Soulmate
idea is so great. My last girlfriend was homeless, which
was pretty cool because she was so appreciative of anything
I would do for her. For instance, if I brought her a bottle
of Night Train from the store she liked that a lot because
usually she would have to trade her body for some drink,
and then it would be a bottle that someone had already been
drinking from or maybe even urinated in. Or if I brought her
a clean blanket she would love me for it...even if I bought
it second hand from Goodwill and it had holes in it.  Sure,
her hygiene left something to be desired but what she lacked
in cleanliness she made up for in appreciation. Before that I
dated a runaway who lived at a halway house in Hollywood. She
was a lot of fun for the most part, but being abused as a
child left her with a really bad attitude and she was prone
to stealing. Also she was a "carver", meaning she would use a
sharp object to cut my name and names of musical groups into
her skin. Some guys have a fetish for chicks who carve but I
found it a bit disconcerting.  Sure, it was great her being
underage and so promiscous but the cons just outweighed the
pros so I had to break it off. Sorry for the digression...I
was originally writing to tell you that I really like your
idea and that I hope to convince my local Costco to follow
your lead. So getting back to the original subject, do you
think that if I brought my Inuit girlfriend anyone would want
her? Would she have trouble in the intense heat there in the
desert? You must remember that evolution has spent 50 thousand
years preparing her people for subzero temperatures. Also,
from a cultural perspective she may resent being traded so
I may have to bring her in a heavily tranquilized state. I'm
thinking Thorazine. Looking forward to you thoughts...

Yours in Christ,
Bill

 

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